It has been a month now since Mum died and yes things are getting easier. Life does go on and I must carry on too.
A few significant things have happened since my last blog. I went to a friends BBQ and helped along by a few lethal cocktails I absoloutely broke my heart, it came from nowhere and was a build up of emotions over my Mum, her death, how I felt about her and the way that I was treating myself. The next few days were a mixture of sunshine and self-pity. My visits to the counsellor were unproductive, I was evasive, argumentative and unwilling to share. I couldn't give a damn' and was quite happy with carrying on restricting as the alternative of allowing myself to 'feel' was too painful to deal with. To those around me, all was well, I had lost a bit of weight but was dealing with things ok.....
The mornings were getting more difficult, I didn't want to go to work, I would think of any excuse possible not to go in then drag myself out of bed, neck a coffee and face the world. I'm sure for most of you that is a common feeling but for someone who has fought to get back to work this was different.
I had a wonderful Saturday night out with friends. We went for a meal which was originally planned a month ago on my Birthday but was postponed.
And It was a good night..great company apart from the meal. I hated every minute of it. I got through my salad and even ordered a chocolate dessert, but my emotions were all over the place. I ate mechanically, wishing I could be elsewhere. On the way home I decided to prove I can do this, I can win so bought chips.
I ate 3 then sat sobbing.
How the hell had I let myself get to this point again, why am I wasting my life? A quote from another said, 'It will take you longer to get out of this than it did to get in to it,' very true.
So here I am now, wanting to stop, to get off this rollercoaster, the ride is not a thrill it sickness me to the stomach.
If I stay on this path I risk losing my Husband,my friends, my job, my life.
So I have looked at the things that are stopping me from moving on and will read them daily, no sharing here I'm afraid!!
Wish me luck No doubt I have repeated myself from previous blogs but with repetition comes learning.
Much Love. xxx