How are you supposed to feel when a parent dies? When the person who brought you into this world is no longer there?
I keep asking myself, What is normal? What should I be feeling? How should I be reacting?
The truth is I don't know how to feel. I am terrified of the emotions and use food to block out the hurt and the feelings of sadness.
I was weighed today and no surprise to find out that yes I had lost weight. I was neither elated nor disappointed. It no longer has anything to do with my dress size or how I perceive myself. Restriction gives me a sense of control in my life, a focus, a way of numbing what I am feeling and dealing with difficulties.
Ultimately I know this cannot continue, I need to nourish myself, I have come so far in recovery but still have a long way to go.
At some point I will need to let go, to acknowledge my feelings, accept them and deal with them.
I am scared of this as it makes me feel weak and I feel very alone.
I hope you can understand this and have patience with me.
Thank you for listening.