Today I gave serious thought to giving up my blog, am I living in the past by continuing with it, am I trying to hold on to part of my identity, why am I still writing it?
After deliberation I came to the following conclusions:
- I cannot change my past but I can change how it affects my future.
- My eating disorder has always been part of me but it does not have to control me.
- I enjoy writing, I can put down things in writing that I find hard to say.
- I hope that others can see some hope from what I share.
- I can look back on what I have posted and see that I am challenging myself and moving on to something more positive.
So, back to my ramblings.
How am I doing? Things are good, finished my second week of work and have achieved loads. All paperwork up to date and havent pissed too many people off!!! It has been good to be back to normality, structure, routines and office gossip!
Food.....going suprisingly well. I have stuck to regular eating, lunch at work was a bit wobbly at first but have coped with eating lunch in front of others, no comments, no stares, no questions and I havent needed to hide in the broom cupboard with my pasta salad.
My diet is pretty regimented, certain foods at certain times of the day....diet this, weight watchers that but I'm eating it and that's what counts. Oh, and I'm mostly enjoying eating it. Skinny cow ice cream bars are lush.
Clothes.....a colleague commented on why do I wear jeans that are 'hanging' off me!! Tight clothes, especially trousers freak me out. Maybe its psychological but when they are tight, I automatically feel fat, so for the moment baggy is good.
My thoughts...I don't think or obsess about food/diet as much as I used to. It is no longer the first thing I think of when I get up nor is it the last thing I think about when I go to bed. It still hangs around, clinging to me, controlling what I buy at the supermarket and to a point what I put in my mouth. BUT....I am much more in control, healthier in body and mind, and stronger to move on.
Friends.....I have a great circle of friends, and a very supportive family which I am so grateful for. The support of people, some who I have not even met have astounded me....I cannot begin to explain how that feels. Colin...I owe you egg and chips. Marcus...I will bake you cake. Deb....Nepalise is on me. Glyn...one day, not yet, I will do a bungee jump for a very good charity. Bee...we will do mixed haloumi and chicken kebab with champers. Jen....Italian with coffee but no green goblin!!! Mandy.....thank you is the least I can say.
Ps...we won skittles tonight and I was second top scorer!!!!