My writing in the past has concentrated on the subject (eating disorders, recovery, mental health, body image) as well as trying to inject an element of humour or poetic prose.
Today I am not going to do that.
Its not about engaging people or getting followers. My punctuation and grammar will no doubt be all over the place but in this moment I just need to get it out. No holds barred.
Its been a really tough few weeks. After my last entry I spent a week in Portugal with my Husband and a good group of friends.
The weekend before I wasn't going to go and had pleaded with hubby to go without me if I didn't feel up to it. There was no reason why my circumstances should stop my other half missing out. Kev was having none of this and assured me he would be staying too!!
I tried to focus on all the positives and put a lot of energy into taking this step. I am so thankful that I did this.
Despite a twisted foot, and a few wobbly moments, the villa was spacious enough to have my own space if needed and had a relaxing and much needed holiday.
The downside for my friends though was that I did become a bit of a feeder and spent a lot of time in the kitchen preparing food. I didn't hear any complaints.
I tried to get back into a routine as much as possible at home but this was proving difficult.
A week away not knowing what I weighed made me more cautious about what I was putting in my mouth.
I had no idea if I was gaining or maintaining. This then developed into a more obsessive way of thinking at home.
The nights are now worse......
Thoughts are very food focused, calorie focused and weight focused. This combined with other pressures which I won't go into is giving me a total head fuck.
Sometimes I have wanted to run away, dissapear and just not be here. Feeling like a waste of good air and a problem to others is not a good thought to have!!
Some days I really want to beat this and other days I feel so screwed up I don't know what I want.
The lack of proffessional support makes me feel like I don't deserve it or don't need it.
I am so pissed with myself that I don't feel the strength I had before.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted but trying to take one day at a time.
On a positive note, the anxiety is manageable. My blood work came back clear. My GP bypassed the mental health team to refer me to the ED team and I have nice nails.
Much love xxx