The night-time always seems the worst.
My body is exhausted and yearns for rest but my mind won't switch off.
The thoughts are bouncing back and forth, some good some bad. I lay awake, distracted by the sound of my breathing as I try to count backwards from a thousand which seems to work better than counting sheep.
I focus on a comment passed on my weight.
I know my clothes are loose, the scales tell a story and I'm not so blind that I cannot see, but why do I see things differently to others?
I focus on my thighs and legs but the discomfort from lying down tells me something different from what's going on in my head.
The hunger in my stomach is almost punishing. The noises a reminder that yes, I have succeeded in another day of not being good to myself, and for what?
I can see the pain in my Husbands eyes, hear the concern in my Sons voice, feel the love of those around me...... and still I allowed this monster back into our lives.
It is so very tough at the moment. I know that it is me that needs to turn things round but with no professional support ( still waiting) I struggle to make sense of things.