bum!!!

I look in envy at the relationship between a friend and their mother.....I yearn for what they have.  I mourn for what I have lost, for what I may never had had....too much wine maybe!
Its been a brilliant weekend, special times spent with special people, but at the back of my mind the sadness is still there.
I am trying so hard to move on but its not easy, no one ever said it would be.  I have spent the afternoon reading through old letters from my Dad to my Mum, I wont divulge anything here but they spanned the 3 years of Dads national service and they made me cry,,,,,,,,
They truly loved each over and I am so proud to have them as my parents.   I so wish they were here today, at 44 I still feel too young to have lost both parents.
Sometimes I think I am kidding myself, other times I feel on top of the world....elated, ready to take on anything. If I'm honest  I actually dont' know what  I want, maybe I'm just out to please everyone but me..
maybe tommorrow is another day and I will feel differently.