one year on

My lack of postings have been due to a combination of contentment with my life and a fear of boring you all to sleep!
I think I will start with how good life is at the moment and a far cry of how it was this time last year.
The weeks leading up to Christmas were filled with the usual excitement and business but tainted with the fear and dread of food, food and more food.  This year will be different....this year will be fun and I will be living.

When I think back to last year it makes me sad.  Sad that I wasted so much time obsessing about the way I looked and what I put or didn't put in my mouth.  This year I love the way I look and cannot wait to sit down for Xmas lunch, open the tin of chocolates and sit on the sofa with that feeling of stuffed contentment.

I feel sad for those out there who are still struggling, particularly for those who are not quite ready to take the next step to recovery.  I say to you, just try it, just take that first baby step, I did and I won.
I wish i could help, just say something to make you cross that line.  When I hear of sufferers who have had periods in hospital I realise how people who care about me would have felt.  I just want to do something to help, to make it go away, but I feel so helpless. Don't give up hope, I am so proud of how far you have come and I know you can move on further.....you know who you are. xxx

For those of you who have been following my blog you will know who SWEDA are, many of you helped with fundraising, remember that 7 mile walk, blowing a gale with sand in our faces!!
Somerset & Wessex eating disorders Association are a small charity which run a specialised service for sufferers of eating disorders and their families/carers. To my knowledge they are the only one in this area!
I have attended many of their monthly support groups which provided a safe and non judgemental environment in which to share experiences and offer support to each other.  They also offer an affordable counselling service which is a gods send as the NHS waiting lists is horrendous.
I heard the sad news recently that the primary care trust that provided 50% of swedas funding is pulling their financial support as from January 2012. What this means for sweda long term I am unsure but I'm disgusted that this is happening.
Anorexia has the highest death rate of all mental illnesses, does this not mean anything?
Currently treatment for anorexia is dependant on an individuals BMI.  I for one was told that my weight was not low enough initially to warrant being a priority on a waiting list, it soon bloody was!!
Something drastically needs to change within the system.  Eating disorders are misunderstood, most people are ignorant of them until they see them first hand, even then friends and family can be judgemental, insensitive and think the person is behaving in an attention seeking or controlling way.
I was given a link to a lady who was running a campaign for eating disorders awareness week in Feb 2012, who needed people with experience of eating disorders to help with the campaign.
I jumped at the chance, anything to cut through the stigma. I was unfortunately disappointed.  It was a company of journalists who sold stories to TV shows, tabloid press and glossy women's magazines; the same kind who airbrush models and constantly drum into us how we should look and what we should eat!!  Not for me thanks.
So February 2012 I will need to put my thinking cap on and try to promote ed awareness week in a positive way, a way which can break down the barriers, smash the taboo...please feel free to join me.

Fat talk and foibles.

I think this post may be a bit of a scrambled rant, and those readers who know me personally will recognise the constant going off topic and the             pauses mid sentence when I have forgotten what I was saying!!!

Fat Talk...
This is something I had difficulties with during recovery and still do now.   Now I know some off us may need to lose a few pounds, may need to eat healthier and exercise more, but is it really necessary to have a daily berating session over the size of your stomach, hips and bum!!! It appears to be a socially accepted norm to have the 'Im fat, no your not,' conversations.  I try to steer clear, wanting to pull my hair out and scream at these beautiful not overweight women who at times make me feel huge!! 
I went out at the weekend to celebrate a friends Birthday.  A group of us decided to stay overnight in Bristol, so apartment sorted, posh frocks on we hit the city centre for dinner and a club.  Long story short one of the prettiest girls both inside and out was again slagging off her (very flat) stomach...aagghhhhhhh  Oh please girl, take a look in the mirror...
This set me on edge straight away, I was comparing her legs to mine, who's were thinner?  How much was she eating and to make matters worse some young lad asked me if I was my mates Mother!!! It was like being kicked in the teeth (actually I had rotten toothache after 4 fillings and an extraction.)
At that point I wanted to leave, I felt bloody old but that just made it worse. But I didn't leave, I did what any self respecting 44 year old would do...have a couple of shots of cherry sourz and get pole dancing :)
I do hope that my marks and Spencer magic knickers were not on display!!

So to round up, ladies stop damaging your self esteem and those around you, ditch the fat talk and love the skin your in...I try to. (or you could just mount a pole)

Going completely off topic..well just a bit, I came across an old diary which I had started (and finished!!) last August and September.  It was written whilst I was in the throes of my ED and I hardly recognised the content.  Not only can I not remember writing it but I could not recognise myself in it.  Who was this frail, scared person trying to find some light through the darkness?  It certainly didn't sound like me.  Although at times painful it still had a glint of humour, the real me trying to escape. The food diary was shockingly sparse, and If I'm truthful It was probably exaggerated to look better with the therapist!  Thank goodness I don't write one now as I would need a bigger book :)

Nite all. xxxx

Get off my lap!!!

Theres an app on facebook which throws up old status's and today mine said ' I wish I could write a letter to a certain someone and have the courage to post it!'
Last week I saw that 'certain someone,' for the first time in over 6 months. I felt physically sick, wanted to punch her in the face (not me at all!!), all the hurt and pain she had caused to others was once again brought to the surface.  I carried on as normal, went grocery shopping and whilst browsing the shelves realised I was once again looking at the calorie values on packets!!!  The way I was feeling was showing in ways it shouldn't.
When I went to support group this week we discussed how the actions of others can affect the way you are feeling and how that in turn can move onto behaviours with food.  The need to be in control when you cannot control your emotions/feelings.
The group leader told us a story of how she would 'brush' others from her body, in a sense telling them to get off her lap...
So, this is my letter and I hope one day you may read it and know its especially for you!

I regret the day I met you, the day I befriended you, accepted you for who you were no questions asked.
I introduced you to my friends, chatted late at night over your troubles, trusted you....
How could I have known you had an ulterior motive, a hidden agenda.
You left a path of destruction wherever you went, you lied, you manipulated, you would tread on anyone who got in your way, in way of what you wanted. At the time I was at my lowest point and you knew that.  You lied about me and to me, accused me of paranoia and jealousy and at that time I was ready to give in to you but those close to me were worth more than that.
You hurt people, you damaged friendships, relationships.....but we were stronger than you.
I lost my faith and trust in people for a while but I'm getting back........so for the last time, GET OFF MY FUCKING LAP!!!!

Life is good.

It has been nearly 4 weeks since my last post and life is good.  :) 
My relationship with food has changed dramatically as has the relationship with myself.
I feel proud with what I have achieved both emotionally and in my every day life.
I no longer take any medication, except for osteoporosis.  It was a difficult time withdrawing from the Anti-depressants, periods of sadness, anxiety and physical symptoms.  At the time all of these were easy to use as an excuse for not eating, and yes on occasions this happened, but I stayed positive, focused on how far I had come and challenged my thoughts and motives.
I do not know how much I weigh and am OK with that.  I may grumble about my stomach on occasions but generally I like my body....and I like even more whats inside it.  My husband like it even more  :)

I have learned a lot over this period in my life..

• being thinner does not make me a better person.
• An eating disorder will initially make things seem better but in the long run it affects your way of thinking and ultimately lies to you.
• regular eating WILL stop you bingeing.
• Relapse does not mean failure.
• Giving up is not an option.
• Asking for help does not make you weak.
• friends and family will be there for you but there is a limit to how much they can take...they are hurting too.
• Life is too precious to mess up.

Much love to you all, stay healthy and happy.

Hiccups

When I originally met with the Ed Nurse at the start of my recovery, one of the questions she asked was 'what weight would I be happy to get to.'  At that time my weight was so low and my mindset was so fixed that the thought of putting on that amount of weight seemed so huge.  I would never know how I felt until I reached that point.
Well I am now at that point.  Initially when I was weighed I had a figure in my head which I would be ok with, thankfully I was a little under that number.  I had reached a massive milestone both physically and emotionally, something which at certain points I thought would be impossible to achieve and I should be proud of that achievement.
My last visit I couldn't wait to get out and be discharged, this time was different.  I had a lot of anxiety over losing the support and was apprehensive about the future.
I would be lying if I said that things were back to normal.  The negative thoughts are creeping back in....I have a choice to listen to them or not.  I am terrified of getting any bigger than I am now despite knowing that I am just on the border of a normal weight scale.  I know I am not being as proactive as I should be with my lifestyle and eating, and the urge to weigh myself is unbelievable but I'm trying to keep this in check.
I need to keep looking back at how things were just to remind me of how this illness actually made me feel not what I thought it made me feel.
I have recently started to come off my anti-depressants so I am hoping that these feelings may subside on their own!!
I am not overly concerned just treading carefully, hiccups can be overcome.

"Feeling Fat"

The Dummies guide to Turkey :)

Our annual holiday is something I always look forward to.  I love the planning, the anticipation and even the packing!  This years holiday couldn't come around sooner.
Our last holiday was September 2010 in Rhodes.  It was a week filled with peace, hope and sadness.
I was possibly at my lowest both emotionally and physically.  There was a point in the few months prior that Kev was contemplating cancelling as he did not think that physically I was able to cope.  I have always needed something to look forward to, something positive in my life, something good to balance out the dark days and this time was no exception.
The holiday venue at the time was immaterial, I just needed the time out, a change from problems that were dragging me down and some quality time with the other half.
Despite having a great time the food issues were always evident.  A week of living on salad, not having the energy to walk in the heat from A to B and the  constant worry of weight gain and the dreaded weigh in with the ED nurse on my return also left a bitter taint to the otherwise sunny time.......this year was going to be different.
So skip back 2 weeks to July 1st, the trip to Bristol airport, one point of Guinness, 2 Valium, a quick frisk in security and its Bye Bye Burnham On Sea, hello Antalya Turkey.
In order to make things less boring for my reader I will split this post into sections.....

The Hotel.
The Cennet hotel is on the bustling resort of Side in Antalya, Turkey.  the brochure boasted a double room, balcony with garden view and private beach with free sunbeds.  Translation, beach is shared with numerous other hotels as far as the eye can see, sunbeds are free but you need to pay for mattresses.  Rooms you can hardly swing a cat in, very little storage (or maybe I packed too much!!) Balcony is approximately 5 foot square, garden view was a bush with someones pants from the room above which overlooked the hotel shop!!! 
After reading trip advisor I was concerned about the noise from a local disco but my fears were unfounded, the only noise we had to deal with were the delivery lorries and laundry vans...we were luckily enough to have our room situated in front of the lorry loading bays!!!
We decided on half board this year, firstly to keep the cost down and secondly I wanted to make the most of my freedom from the hatred of food. I can honestly  say the food was good, well presented, lots of choice and constant flowing wine on the house.
The waiting staff were friendly, polite and very hard working.  The downside was we were generally 2 hours behind everyone else for Breakfast and Dinner so it was a bit rushed at times.  I learned to keep a fork in my hand at all times otherwise my plate was removed.  For someone who is seriously getting into hummus I was not impressed when I had disappearing dip!!
I have to mention the Turkish flat bread. (ekmeği ) It was never served at the hotel but we ate it often on the occasssions we ventured into town. Delicious served with seafood, tadziki and salsa dips.

The table arrangements were something I had only encountered at Butlins, we were always seated in the same place and had other guests with us, more on those later!

Health and Safety.
Remember to wearr suncream at all times!  The sun was so hot that I needed factor 50 whilst in the shade and sat under a parasol.  On two occasions I used the wrong bottle and ended up with severe sun burn, my legs resembled burnt sausages which hadn't been turned and going home on your last day with a red chest and white marks from a halter neck bikini is not a good look!!
Buy a hat. Preferably not one which makes you look like someone from brokeback mountain; unless of course you want to be heckled by waiters shouting 'sexy cowboy'whilst walking down the prom!!!  Thanks Kev  :)

Be careful of the dodgy electrics.   Quite difficult sleeping with a live electrical wire hanging above the headboard stuck together with a bit of gaffer tape.

Toilets.
My first experience of a Turkish toilet was at the airport.  Trying to pee whilst keeping feet in position and squatting is not easy when still a little drowsy from Valium.
Was caught short when in the centre of Side so decided to pay the local public loos a visit.  Very clean and presentable, impressed with the polite attendant who said we didn't need to pay until we came out.
Wasn't until he asked 'one or two' that we realised you payed dependant on what your ablution was!!!!

Shopping.
Turkey is counterfeit central, but unfortunately no fake Vivienne westwood shoes.
Most of the shops and bazaars work on the basis of haggling, which is difficult when you are unsure of what is the starting point.  Did manage to pick up some 'quality' souvenirs for friends...hope they agree.
You are constantly hassled when out, owners trying to get you into their bars, gift shops with 'you look like you need a drink' 'you hungry.'  Can you imagine going to your local shopping centre and the owner of asda shouting,'do you need bread, milk, you look like you could do with a doughnut.'

Sightseeing.
As you can imagine it was bloody hot!!  This and the cost of excursions did deter us from going out and about as much as we would have liked.
We did manage a trip to the Manavgat waterfalls which were beautiful.  We took the cheaper option, taking a taxi from the hotel to the town of Manavgat (whilst taking your life into your hands), then a boat trip to the waterfalls. We were hassled by a local boat owner who started his price at 60 Tl for us both, then after several attempts at us walking away we boarded on an agreement of 30tl for the trip.
The boat was beautiful, small and quirky with only 10 passengers.  the problem was nothing was explained to us so we were a little shocked when after a trip up the river we docked at a cafe, led to a car park and waited for 15 minutes with a lingering smell of sewerage.  Apparently we could not cross the river any further so needed to wait for a bus to take us to the falls.  When we arrived at the falls we were lucky to be early and despite it being crowded we learnt from others that it could have been busier.  we had the opportunity (all 20 minutes) to have our photos taken by the waterfall whilst standing in the water.  I swear my body nearly went into shock as it was blood ice cold.  We were then ripped off for 2 bottles of water (to drink, not from the waterfall)

On our journey back we stopped to see a turtle sat on a tree branch, on reflection I think they may have stuck a false one there as others taking the trip saw it in the same place

The centre of Side does have some beautiful ruins, especially the Temple of Apollo.  It is lit up at nightime but is somewhat overpowered by the noise from the nightclub nearby.

Entertainment.
The hotel held its own entertainment each evening.  This started with the 'kinder disco' around 9pm.  After the first few days I came to the conclusion that the compare and music was recorded as it followed the same format every day.  Old MacDonald, Agadoo, Music man, Birdie Song, some random German song which involved chooing like a train and Adults making a bridge with their arms for the Children to go under!!! Maybe this was why I attempted more than 2 glasses of wine at dinner! Oh, did i forget to mention that our table was practically on top of the animation teams staged area!!
We only stayed for a few of the acts and I am pleased to sat the Russian dancers were very good, vibrant but made me look like a porker!!!  Was slightly disturbed by the fashion show organised by the owner of a local leather factory shop.  The promise of a free taxi to his store and a gift of a leather bum-bag or leather cap did not sell it to me.  OK, Kev may have gone for the broke-back mountain look with his cowboy hat but I draw the line at a leather cap!!  Thank goodness I threw out his cut off denim shorts.
We favoured a few music bars in town; one had a guy playing an acoustic guitar who was amazing, he was like a walking juke-box.  The other we had shyed away from at first as the singer did not quite grab us.  We eventually paid it a visit and what a find.
The act was a guitar/vocalist called Ozzy.  An odd character, very friendly even to the point of offering to take us into his home town of Antalya one day. he spend a few evenings at the end of the evening talking very passionately about his cat called Diesel.  Diesel was a cross between an Iranian cat and a 'normal' cat, Ozzy was proud to show us photos.  Poor Oz, he was torn between keeping him in Antalya and bringing him to Side. His English was very good but I was quite confused at one point when he spoke about his operation to have his balls cut off!!!  Kev did explain he was actually talking about having his cat done.   Must have been the cocktails.

Dinner Guests.
For the first week we were guessing who number 512 was as we never managed to eat at the same time.  Eventually we were introduced to the lovely Jackie from Manchester. We only knew her for 3 days but she was a pleasure to have dined with.
Our next table partners were Tony and Di from Eastbourne.  Both had been Teachers for many years, had met whilst studying and had been married for over 30 years.  I always find it difficult to meet new people but Tony and Di made it so easy.  I was a little concerned that our original opinion on our Holiday may have put them off but I don't think it did.
We shared many funny stories at dinner, several cocktails afterwards and a lovely bottle of champagne which I won at the hotel lottery!!! We shared email addresses so I'm hoping we can keep in touch.

To summerise, despite it not being what we expected. spending far too much money and coming home resembling a Lobster, we did have a good time.
It was so liberating to be on a beach in a bikini with my flabby bits, not to be too hung up over how I looked.
I did have a few wobblies but no more that than average person would have.  I was hungry, I ate, I drank, I enjoyed and I wwas living again.
I have my final weigh in with the Eating Disorders Nurse this Monday.  I havent seen her for two months and I have no idea how much I weigh. I feel good about myself and I feel good about how I look.
Catch you Monday.  xxxxx