Monday, 31 December 2018

Saying goodbye

Its been a funny old year.  Like everyone else on this earth its been a combination of happiness, sadness, frustration, confusion, laughter, tears, new beginnings and imminent endings.
The one thing I have learnt is that we all have shit to deal with, its how we cope with this is what can make the difference.
The year started for us with uncertainties.  I lost my job, a job I loved but one which was the catalyst to my mental illness. This brought relief but also worry about finances and a big gap in my life with feelings of insecurity for the future.
I lost my eating disorders Nurse who in hindsight I probably relied on too much.
I was discharged due to not meeting my targets and this was the right thing to happen. I had been through 2 hospital stays and the only person who could take control of my life was me.
My therapy started and after a year I am happy to say that this gave me the tools to use to help with regulating my emotions and responding to them in a more positive way.   I just need to remember to use them before I reach crisis level.  If you see me dipping, I wont be offended if you remind me of this.
I started work again in the Summer but was hit with the old feelings of anxiety, depression, managed for 4 months before making the decision to leave.  It was the right decision
By this time my head was all over the place but my Therapist was right......his words, ."even though you are feeling like this now, does not mean you are back where you were 2 years ago."  Good old Dominic.  It took a lot of determination and hard work to recognise this and try to move on.

As a family we are now struggling again.
Kevs Mum is very frail. Over the past month she has had hospital admissions for pneumonia and is now on end of life care.  Her decision to stop eating and drinking has been particularly difficult to watch. The feelings I have now must be how those around me felt when I was in the clutches of Anorexia and I cannot apologise enough for this.  Seeing my hubby overwhelmed with emotion and so so sad is horrible.  I am trying to be the strong one here and that is bloody tough.  Seeing Mum how she is then caring for the elderly in my new job is tough, it is a constant reminder of her mortality.
We have no idea of how long we have but we  need to be there for her and I need to be there for Kev.
After losing both parents in different circumstances I know the pain he is going through and it hurts that I can't make it better.  All I can do is be there for both of them and do the best I can.
As we say goodbye to one year and welcome the next, cherish those around us, make time for those we love, live each day as its your last.
Love to you all.




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