Monday, 30 July 2018

Should they stay or should they go?





I was prompted to write this after reading a friends blog on weighing.
Since finishing my treatment at hospital my scales have disappeared and reappeared more times than I can remember .
After being discharged I agreed to not have scales in the house again.  As expected, I did not stick to this.
It generally started as me asking for them for one day, just so I knew in advance of any appointments.
Initially I would give then back to Kev to put back in their hidey place but eventually the pull to know what I weighed became too strong and the scales stayed put.
My therapist has now refused to weigh me at sessions whilst I continue to abuse the scales at home.
This sounds fair to me and saves me from the anxiety of weigh days.
He asked me if it was helpful to keep weighing myself and I disputed all his arguments.  I of course being in complete control....note the sarcasm.

So I am now sat here contemplating my need, my desire to constantly weigh myself.  What is the benefit?  Does it make me feel any better about myself?  What is the worst that can happen if I don't step on the scales?

I think it has now become a part of my day alongside adding up calories, making sure I've burned a certain amount walking and don't go over my intake or under my outgoing.
I have tried to manage without but I need to know what is happening to my body.
I can't cope with my clothes being tighter, I feel disgust at the changes in my body, the flab on my stomach, my thighs getting closer, It doesn't feel like me anymore.
The scales tell me what is OK and what isn't.  How much I can eat today or how much I need to walk.
I have a buffer zone.  A window of 7 pounds, a number I will not go over and a number  I know safely, I cannot go under.
I have kept my safety zone for around the past 8 months and feel safe and in control of this.
The thought of changing this alongside starting trauma therapy is just too much at the moment.
This might sound really negative or that I'm not trying but that's not the case.  Its a balancing act.

Maybe this is something I need to discuss with my therapist?


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