My A to Z. The G Spot.

Before I hit the G spot I will tell you a little about my weekend.
As usual, had a good one, too many late nights but all with good company.
Went to my very first sleepover on Saturday, better late than never for someone who is nearing 44!!
Had a brilliant evening, great company, chick flicks, fizzy wine and pizza.....yes the dreaded pizza. 
The problem with pizza is it combines all the foods I fear.  Bread, meat and cheese. Real cheese, dripping in grease.  With the girlie's tucking in to spicy chicken and meat feast how the hell can I sit there with an empty plate?
So I ate the pizza, several pieces along with garlic bread, chocolate mice, foam bananas and cola bottles.
Sitting with a belly full of dough which seemed to be expanding by the minute was not conducive to a jolly, bopping around the lounge evening, so I sat, smiled, enjoyed the company and had chronic stomach ache.
Just to be like everyone else, to fit in, to not stand out.  I hope I didn't come across as too much of a party pooper but my mind was otherwise engaged with carbohydrate absorption.  Next morning, stomach suffered much!!
I have a meal planned for my Birthday this weekend and I'm going to an Italian, I am not doing pizza!!!!

Anyway, back to the G Spot.

Greed.  Too much pizza.....

Gorgeousness.  My take on gorgeous.  I love this word.  we are all gorgeous and should embrace this.

Grumpy.  I can be a right grump, especially on a morning.  I hate mornings, I hate getting up.  Not that I'm lazy, it just takes me such a long time to function properly it really is not worth speaking to me.

Girlie.  Glitter, pink, lace, frills, cupcakes....I love all things girlie.  Probably due to my lack of barbie dolls as a child!

Greece.  Love the country, especially the islands.  We were married on the island of kefalonia where captain Correllis mandolin was filmed.  I could spend every holiday there.  Theres something about the laid back attitude of the greeks, the afternoon siestas, the succulent tomastoes, the blue waters and crisps sands, the white washed tavernas.  Can't wait to go back.

Goodnight......xx

My A to Z The F-word.

F.

Friends.  My relationship with 'Friends' looking back over the years has been quite emotional.
When I moved to somerset in '85 I worked very unsociable hours so the opportunity to form friendships was limited.  I had one close friend who I worked with and I am sad to say have had no contact with him now for many years.  I try as much as I can now regardless of the distance to keep in touch with friends who have moved away, with true friends distance is not an issue, I have that with Jen and Steve.
I made my first close friendship not long after my son was born, we were friends for 14 years until a massive fallout out a year before she died.  To this day I regret never having made up with her.  Although things would have never been how they were at least we would have been on speaking terms.  Maybe that's my guilt...I don't know.
However....over the past couple of years I have  circulated, and have a close group of friends who have brought lots to my life and I hope I have to theirs.They are all individuals with their own  unique qualities, some nearly as bonkers as I am.
 I wouldn't and couldn't be without any off them.

Flatulence.  Oh dear!  Me?  Never....

Fat.  The dreaded F-word!!!   My greatest fear, and as I am learning to accept a totally unfounded fear.  I have never been overweight, and probably never will be.  All in my head and not on my hips.

False. I cannot abide false people.  If you do not like me please do not interact with me!!  I feel a bit of a hypocrite hear because I have been guilty of trying to like someone or being their 'friend' as it made other relationships easier.   never again, I am what you see, like it or lump it.

Fugly.  Is that actually a real word?  Love it, but will leave that for a later letter.

Flirt. I am unashamedly one of the biggest flirts you will ever meet.
That's it for the F's.  i can think of a lot more but I am pushed for time this evening, I'm off for a night of fun and frivolity.  Ooh, theres another two.

Time for some E's

I will start my letter E with one of the most wonderful people I have had in my life.

Elizabeth, or better known as Nana.
My Nan was a typical Northern lass.  She lived in a humble terraced house with her Brother, my great Uncle Ed and there dog Judy.  Nana had been married twice, only one of my grandads I remember as when he passed on I thought he had taken the hamster to heaven with him in his pocket!!
She occasionally shared her home with my cousin Stephen and my Uncle Bob, both of who I got my love of Paul McCartney and the Beatles from.
Nana was my Dads Mum.  She was a tiny little thing, always wore a pinny and had her Birthday on Bonfire night.  I loved that day as she always made cinder toffee and toffee apples.
We used to visit Nana on a Saturday afternoon, she lived near to the football stadium so it was always an interesting experience.  She loved her brown ale and would give us the empty bottles to take to the off sales at the pub to get the money back.  We would spend it on chips then dip them into piccalili from her larder.
When I was married (first time) Nana was unable to travel to the wedding, she was in hospital when I picked up my wedding dress and I will never forget the look on her face when I took the dress to her bedside and took it from the box to show her.  She was glowing.
Nana never had a lot of money or material possessions but she had wealth in her spirit, unconditional love and laughter.  She bought a carriage clock for our wedding gift which I still have and will always treasure.

My beautiful Nan



Effervesant. I like all things bubbly.  Fizzy wine, bath bombs, bubble bath even alka seltzer.  My email contains bubbles!!  I can be a very bubbly person but it doesnt take much for me to lose my fizz.

Eclectic.  My taste in music. I may be a hoarder of the old 80's vinyl but my tastes are varied.  I love acoustic, female vocalists, modern music, soul, rock, ska, reggae,,,almost anything goes.  My fave all times are the Carpenters and the Cranberries.

Enthusiastic.  I love to try new things, to take on new projects.  I jump in feet first and soak up new ideas like a sponge.

Eccles cakes.  Yum, I love the flaky pastry, the crunchy sugar topping, the succulent fruit and the way that you cannot possibly eat one without making a hell of a mess.

Ensure.  A life-saver, but cant stand the egg nog flavour

My A to Z. D-Day

Time for the letter D.

D.
Dietitian!!!!  Yes, the dreaded visit to the Dietitian has come around once again. After a horrendous bus journey (a lorry had shed its load and bus was late!!  Man on bus talking about having a 'wank' to ease the boredom.)  Thank goodness the bus started again pretty soon.
Saw the lovely George(ina) who on one hand was pleased with my progress but on the other had the expected talk about the lack of protein, the lack of breakfast before walking to work and the downfalls of running on empty.
Had a brief discussion on food exchanges and came away with a list of acceptable snacks.  Quite amusing having a 'diet' sheet consisting of 50g bar of chocolate, 190g of ice cream and 50g of roasted nuts. Not all together may I add.
She did give me some good advice though on my regimented eating which I will try.
I need to try and alternate the meals I eat rather than have the same thing day in and day out , this saves on panic and wobblys when I do change food and struggle to choose what to eat next.  Ultimately its all down to planning and that is something I do well at.

Dreamy.  I am the ultimate daydreamer, especially before I go to sleep.  I love to lay there just thinking about all the wonderful things I wish I could do or would like to happen. before I know it I'm awake, back in reality and back to work!!  One day, just maybe I will get the lottery numbers right.

Distracted.  Very easily! 

Determined.  When I set my mind to something I will endeavour to do it.  At the moment I am determined to get my life back on track, to be the Jackie I once was.

Dirty.  as in mind, sense of humour.  If you know me you will understand.

Dancing.  I love to dance. me, alcohol and a pole are a very bad combination.   I think the phrase dance like no one is watching was made for me.  When I am 80 I will dance around my zimmer frame whilst wearing purple of course.

Debbie.  My closest friend.  We have only been friends for a few years and I love her to bits. I will always treasure the memories of our nights out, my hen night, pole and burlesque dancing in Bristol, weekends kayaking, the holiday in Egypt, Glastonbury Festival, zorbing, nights out with family and friends and the evenings of deep conversations, putting the worlds to rights over a bottle or three of wine.
We have had our ups and downs but I will always look out for her and defend her to the hilt. 

Dad.  Sadly missed, my Dad, Derek passed away in July 2005 after a very long illness at home.

It would be fair to say that at times he was not the easiest man to get on with, we certainly had our moments, but as I grew older my relationship with my father also deepened. i looked forward to my visit home, especially taking Dad along to the karaoke nights where he would watch me sing with his pint in hand.  It was difficult living 300 miles away from him when he was ill. 

 I always new that one day a call would come with the sad news but that didn't make it any easier.



                                                                  Miss you dad. xx

D-cup.  One day the boobies will regain their size.  :)

My A to Z. The letter C

Ok I'm a day late with this one, blame it on the weekend.
C.
Charlie the cat!!  I love our cat.  We acquired him from a neighbour.  I suppose you could say he was catnapped.  For whatever reason charlie decided 4 years ago at Christmas to leave his family home and move 2 doors down.  Good move we thought, until he started bringing his visitors with him.
Yes we have an open house at night for ever feline in the area, and if its not cats its mice, birds, frogs dead or alive. He has this dreadful habit of waking you in the morning by jumping on your back, if that doesn't work he bites your toes and if you are still dead to the world he starts on your hair....wouldn't have him any other way.

Competitive.  That's me....I don't do things by halves and probably will never change.  I love a challenge, have to be the best that I can possibly can and find it very disheartening when I can't

Clumsy. Just call me Mrs Bump!!  I often think I have lost my edges as if there is a doorway or cupboard I will walk into it.  Even worse after a drop of the old vino.

Chatty.  I know I talk far too much, more often than not about a load of old rubbish.....just look at me now.  Twittering away.

Cheesy. Not my feet, my music collection!!  You only need to look through my Cd's to realise I was a teenager of the eighties.  Big hair, big shoulder pads, frilly shirt, bad makeup, bad taste and cheesy tunes.  Love it.

Cuddles.  I love cuddles, but have been told am not too open with giving them back. 
Must try harder.

Chocolate. My favourites are ferrero Roche, but I do get carried away and can easily eat the whole box, so at the moment they are off the agenda.
Found a quaint chocolate shop in Bristol which sold dark chocolate with 99% cocoa solids.  Very bitter, an acquired taste but you could only try a small square at a time.  Worth working up to and exquisite with a glass of baileys.

Cupcakes. last but not least my namesakes....
Theres something about cupcakes that fascinate me, they stir my imagination. The combination of ingredients, subtle flavours and the crowning glory of frosting and delicate decorations. They are so versatile, can be feminine and masculine, fruity, chocolaty, rich and moist. there is a huge satisfaction in presenting someone with the little box of cupcakes, all painstakingly decorated just for them.....ahhhh.
My friend Jen laughed so much in sainsburys one day as I practically dropped to my knees having an orgasm at the cupcake cases and boxes in the baking aisle!!
But its not just cakes...theres tea towels,oven gloves, aprons, baking boards, canisters, socks, shower caps, salt and pepper pots...the list is endless.  my very sad plan is to turn my kitchen into a cupcake heaven.
One day I may eat one!!!

See you tomorrow for D Day...

A to Z of the cupcake queen.....B.

Doesn't usually take me this long to get to the second letter of the alphabet but this has been harder than I expected.
B.

Bee.  Not the stripey, buzzy pollen capturing insects but a very good friend.  Bee is someone who I have known for less than a year but strangely feels like a lot longer.  She is like one of those little effervescent tablets, full of fizz that occasionally gets up your nose!  Only jesting Bee. 

Bonkers.  yep that's me.  Slightly strange at times, but I hope in a good way.

Bubbleicious.  My email.  Wanted bubbles but that was a little too much like MJ's monkey.  Did have my bra size at the end of it to make it easier to remember but thought it sounded too much like a porn star.

Bitchy.  Must be the Northern roots but I can bitch as well as anyone...

Buzzing.  Not in the Ann Summers way, I am constantly on the go, have a dreadful habit of going from one thing to another without actually finishing anything.

Bath bombs.  My luxury.  I adore bath bombs. I was first taken with this luxury toiletry item in the mid 80's when a company called cosmetics to go started in Poole, Dorset.  The original bath bomb had a wick coming out the top and when it fizzed in the water a piece of paper floated out with the word 'BANG' written on it!! 
My favourites are the ones containing glitter, need to be enjoyed with candles, soft music and a glass or two of fizzy plonk.

Blunt.  As opposed to sharp!!  I have a habit of not engaging brain before I speak, has got me into bother many times.

Will attempt to do C tomorrow. :)

The A to Z of the cupcake queen..

I have come to the conclusion that my blog posts are becoming rather boring, predictable and less than exciting.  I would like to think this is because I am doing ok, have less to talk about regarding my eating disorder....although I still have a lot to shout and be proud about.
So before I get on to the A to Z of me, lets discuss the past week.
We have had the weigh in, which was ok, and tonight I had a planned meal with the girls from the skittles team.
Granted, the majority of the tean are not aware of my problems, that is I have not discussed it with them. They have sponsored me for the sweda walk which may have given them a subtle hint, but it has never been spoken about.
This is the first time since my illness that I have eaten out without prior knowledge of the menu.  (I generally research online) I was ok at first, until I saw the menu and panic set in.  Quick fag outside and scuttled to the specials, whoop whoop, found a cajun chicken salad which I happily shared with a lovely friend sat next to me.
Moving onto the puds, 'are you having one?' 'No Im happy looking at the pictures!!!.  I did go for a delicious carribean chocolate sundae which I happl;y again shared.   The struggle beforehand was dreadful.  Shall I, shan't I?  For gods sake its a sodding icecream, I am not going to evolve into a hippo in the next 15 minutes by eating a blooody icecream....unfortunately It was not worth the struggle, maybe I should stick to weightwatchers chocolate dessert.
The highlight of my evening has to be my friend managing to get the phone number of the waiter within 5 minutes of us being there. Hows that for service?

Now, back on topic, just for a bit of fun...the A to Z of me!!  It may take a while so please come back tomorrow.

A
argumentative!!!  I so like to be right all the time and really need to stop this. I do struggle with arguments though and find it difficult to get my point across.  I have a book on how to persuade others to your way of thinking, It doesnt work!!
Apathetic.
Sometimes I really dont care, do not give a damn, not give a flying fig.
Anorexia. Hate this word, this label. Dont want it, never wish it on anyone, never want to be associated with it again.
 Arse. One day my arse will regain its composure, will resemble a juicy peach and will again be grabbable.
Abstinance.  I dont think so....

Its all coming back to me

Today I had a strange feeling.  A feeling I hadn't had for a long while. It started as a faint rumbling, a little poke in the right direction, a slight murmur that felt ready to erupt into a molten lava.  What was it?  It was hunger!  My body was telling me it was hungry, it needed subsidence and I had to answer it in the way it knew best, with food.
Learning to listen to your body after periods of restricting is something not to be taken for granted, it is essential to refeeding and nourishing your body, as is recognising the feelings of being full and knowing when to stop.  The annoying thing was I was at work, had eaten lunch and had no bloody food left!!
Lesson learned, take more bananas tomorrow!!!
I am pleased to inform anyone who may be interested, I have now gained a total of 20lbs!!  I have reached the weight that I originally feared and am happy to say was not sent into a state of panic; although was slightly disappointed to be told that I still had an anorexic bmi as I so want to shake of that damn label. I tried my hardest to get out of my dietician appointment next week but excuses did not wash, as my Nurse said, 'I am not out of the woods yet', but I am certainly seeing a clearer path. 
Things seem more positive, more achievable and I am having more good days than bad.  Its all a bit like falling of a bycycle and getting back on again.
Onwards and upwards......